


Outside, I Can't Find My Fears.

by Hell_Serpent



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Armin Arlert Finds the Ocean, Asexual Armin Arlert, Asexual Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Asexual Relationship, Badass Armin Arlert, Beyond the Walls, Death, Deities, Don't Post To Another Site, Gen, I keep forgetting Armin is fifteen fuck me, I legit didn't know Levi was in his fucking thirties, I thought he was around like twenty, I...don't like doing it anymore, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mysterious, No Sex, No Smut, Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Queerplatonic Relationships, Sorry Not Sorry, They aren't dating alright, They have a weird comfort relationship???, They mourn together, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Two asexuals missing each other, War, With Fluff, but they're not friends(?), fuck you and your young face Levi, let these short boys have a break, life - Freeform, my motivation is that I get to do tooth rotting fluff and make Levi smile to get rid of his stress, sunshine boy, unfortunately they'ee gonna suffer for a while, unless it's self-indulgent, woooo, wrath - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-09-30 08:58:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17220878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hell_Serpent/pseuds/Hell_Serpent
Summary: There was nothing he could do but try and live to see another day.





	1. Prologue I: Leave Me To The Wolves.

**Author's Note:**

> This will definitely diverge from canon.

The summer breeze ruffled his golden locks, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds looked so peaceful that you'd think everything was fine but it's not and cursing the peaceful weather will do nothing, it won't bring his fallen comrades back nor will the rest come back to rescue him. He was just another soldier, he wasn't like Eren who was Humanity's Last Hope and he wasn't as skilled as Mikasa.

 

Armin gazes down the branch, seeing different kinds of those gory eaters wander aimlessly, the screaming had stopped and yet he could still hear it. It only made the feeling of betrayal stronger and he knows he shouldn't feel bitter, they had no choice but to abandon hundreds of soldiers.

 

But then why? He didn't have any lethal injuries, maybe just a few bruised ribs so why did they leave him?

 

The questions swirled through his tired mind and the familiar dark thoughts makes their way in and for some reason he's smiling, the answer was so simple and he knew it, he just didn't want to accept it.

 

He was useless.

 

Armin should have known the moment they asked for him to stay out of this expedition – No, he already knew, he always knew – but he had persisted.

 

There was only one that had a different reason for him to stay and he would do anything to get in touch and give him a kiss because god damn it, he was right.

 

_"They don't know what they're missing until they lose it. I don't want to lose you, we almost did on our last mission and I'm not ready to see you fade away again, please. You've always been strong to me, isn't that enough?" The dark haired man mumbles softly, his face never changing but his eyes always showed how he truly felt._

_"It is but I don't want to wait here while you're out there. I don't want to find out you or my friends are dead by some random soldier. I don't want to wait and hope only to have it shattered, please I beg you." Armin grips the hand intertwined with his, his nose brushing the older one's in a silent plea._

_"Listen, they're going to get rid of you if you come with us." The ravenette sighs tiredly, bringing the blonde close and gripping just a bit too tight because this will probably be the last time he'll ever hold him._

_"I know." The young one whispered, breathing shakily. He wasn't going to cry, he's sick of it._

_"Heh, of course you do." His laugh sounded so broken and both of them were tired._

_"You know they're going to get rid of me even if I don't come." It breaks the man when he heard the blonde say it softly as if it was some secret. It wasn't because everyone knew and don't even bother to hide it._

_"It's not fair, why can't they just see?!" Frustration and sadness drips off the man's voice as his shoulders shake and bow he's the one trying not to cry._

_"Nothing is ever fair, you know that more than me. I'm a dead man walking, so please grant my last wish and die with you." Armin pleaded, devoid of emotion because he was tired of feeling and both of them knew that this will be the last they'll get to talk but they can't accept that. They don't want to and he answers with another broken chuckle._

_"Ha! You won't die. You'll make sure of it because I'm not going to die." He smiles sadly and Armin admires it for a while, his other hand cupping his superior's cheek and his thumb rubbed the corner of the man's lips. He was going to miss that smile._

_"Maybe."_

A dry laugh flew out his mouth, being intelligent was both a blessing and a curse. Really, anyone could be smart if they tried he shouldn't have thought they'd come to his aid just because he could read a lot better than the others.

 

Asset his ass. If he really was an asset he wouldn't be stuck in a tree, waiting for nightfall and making sure his horse was still there but he didn't have to worry, it was just him being paranoid that even his horse would abandon him – A brave one, his hooved companion was, most horses would have ran off, spooked from the vibrations of the titan's fottsteps but he knew that the black horse was a smart one just like him except the horse was braver than he could ever be.

 

The sun began to set and the movements of the giant killers were becoming sluggish. He almost wanted to laugh when he saw a few beginning to fall over but he'd rather not bring attention to his self, thank you.

 

He almost thought his horse did leave him – honestly, he shouldn't be surprised – but the animal was merely blending in with the darkness and a chuckle did leave him, a smart one indeed.

 

"Let's head off shall we?"


	2. Prologue II: Limbo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short and cryptic lmao is this considered spoiler
> 
> I promise. I really am working on writing a longer one.
> 
> Bare with me please

He is nowhere near home and it makes him remember.

 

Levi is not Levi.

 

He was never Armin.

 

It was all Fate's damn fault and now he's no longer afraid to die.

 

After all.

 

_"Embracing life means accepting death and Death was always my friend."_

 

And so he continues to walk along his eternal limbo.

 

Waiting for his beacon so he can come home.


	3. Chapter II.1: Lungs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He breathes because he needs the air in his lungs and it reminds him that he is alive.
> 
> It makes him want to laugh because he was never alive anymore when he's died before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized I didn't state where we're beginning before it diverges from canon ajcbsined
> 
> we're stopping at the end of season 3 but...
> 
> things change. a lot.
> 
> and I can't say but I am really excited for this.

How long has it been? Sometimes, he goes on, wandering the land and forgets about time because he's seen the scenery millions of times but this time, it always took his breath away and it makes him think that this was worth it.

 

He despises humanity for trapping their own kin into an eldritch nightmare and force them to turn into unwilling cannibals, it was truly the worst punishment to him.

 

Because he knows how it feels to be stuck between a state of dead and alive.

 

He knew that he was dead when he got crushed by that titan, somehow the giant mindless being didn't notice him and as he goes back into the waking he experienced all the pain tenfold and he wakes up screaming.

 

In the end, only one knew the truth and now he knows why he looked at him with dark amused eyes.

 

He breathes because he needs the air in his lungs and it reminds him that he is alive.

 

It makes him want to laugh because he was never alive anymore when he's died before.

 

But he'll humor them, make them think it was just a miracle.

 

It'll help hide the beast that he is.


	4. Chapter II.2: Fine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin is fine and how fucked up is that?

He's pretty sure he's gone insane but that's alright.

 

It's happened before. Everyone loses it sometime but he's fine.

 

And he really is.

 

Well, he's not sure being able to stare at a titan with a dead eyed look and proceed to maul said giant cannibal into pieces before killing it is the definiton of normal but atleast he still has his wits.

 

And it was all just for a damn horse.

 

But it was  _Levi's._

 

 

And as much as he hates humanity - but not  _his chosens **never** them _\- he hates these behemoths in an understandable way.

 

He gets the satisfaction in ending their misery but after the adrenaline of killing ones stuck in the limbo it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

 

Atleast they get to leave.

 

He has confirmed he's insane when he caught his self talking to Levi's horse. Then again, his companion was smart and he finds it easier to talk to him.

 

Armin is fine and how fucked up is that?

 

He's been born and surviving - he's not living here,  _nobody_ is - in a world where outside are monsters that have been stuck in an endless nightmare, numbly searching for the right one to come back.

 

But he's fine. He'll be okay.

 

No one was sane here to begin with.


	5. Chapter I.1: Prelude Awoken Arc

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He's alive." The tone of his voice makes everyone in the office quiet down because it was not the tone they were expecting.
> 
> It was as if he actually knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Awoken Arc Begins.

Things have been dull and Levi wishes he didn't have a reputation to hold because he would have really loved to smirk at all the hopeless faces of the soldiers that realized the 'weak sunshine boy' wasn't 'weak' at all.

 

The expedition date was later than usual and it caused questions all around.

 

"I made specific orders in making sure to keep the ones in the center safe for a reason." Erwin stated coldly, eyeing the soldiers who stiffened.

 

"Because you did not see the importance of my order, our expedition was a failure. Arlert was the mastermind of all the formations and plans to minimize the casualties." At this, some looked at their commander in shock as Levi saw that his squad  were eerily glaring at another group in particular, the ones that were supposed to protect the center.

 

"I was the one that thought up the big picture, what we need to do to help humanity. The tiny details to make it work? It was all Private Arlert." With the questions answered, the ravenette motioned for his squad to follow, before walking to Erwin's office with Hanji.

 

Once the door was closed and locked, Connie whispered softly.

 

"What if we don't find him, Commander?" The question made Levi want to roll his eyes but he resisted, he didn't know.

 

"We will." He answered before the older blonde could, ignoring his glare of light annoyance.

 

Jean spoke up, voice slightly shaking and he noticed how he rubbed his palms on his pants to get rid of the sweat.

 

"Alright, what if we did? How do we know he's alive?" 

 

"He's alive." The tone of his voice makes everyone in the office quiet down because it was not the tone they were expecting.

 

Whenever they faced a scenario like this, one would mutter it over and over again for some false sense of hope even though they know it was already too late. But this...

 

It was as if he actually _knew._

 

"We're bringing him back." Cold sharp eyes sweeped across the room, daring anyone to try and protest.

 

It was time to move.

 

_'I'm bringing you back home.'_


	6. Chapter I.2: Tear Them Into Pieces.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is weak but strong. Merciful but malicious.
> 
> He's an angel that fell from grace.
> 
> He's coming home.  
> \---  
> He remembers and that's good.
> 
> It'll be easier to bring him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We get a glimpse on Armin's life the past few day/weeks/months and see how much it has changed him.
> 
> Meanwhile, preparations are being made. 
> 
> It's time to take back Wall Maria.

The days passed in a blur and Armin grows stronger, he has to if he wants to survive - but is it really surviving when he's killed almost everytime? He can run as fast as _his_ horse now, having to flee for your life everyday can do that. He doesn't know how he gets by, he just  _is_.

 

He's alive and that's what matters. Dying is easy, Living after it is harder. He's used to the pain, yes. Having been torn to shreds and felt his bones break but he lives and sometimes he wishes he hadn't.

 

But he'll break down later, when the stars are out and the behemoths fall to their knees. He needs something to eat for his hunt last week - had seven days passed already? - was now gone. 

 

Why was he doing this? The question had visited his mind frequently and it automatically races faster than him, listing off the pros of _staying_ dead.

 

"But I won't get to see _him_ anymore." The thoughts stop and it makes him laugh because it only needed one reason to halt their plans on trying to stay dead.

 

"It'll never work anyway." He mumbles softly, a smile gracing his features as he spots a small herd of deer.

 

"You can't kill me in a way that matters to **them**." And his smile goes feral.

 

" **They'll** _always_ bring me back."

* * *

"YOU ALL KNOW THE PLAN. THIS TIME, STICK TO IT." Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes and instead used this moment to sweep them over the crowd, they better hope everything will go nicely.

 

He'll be the reason why only half survived if it didn't.

 

The familiar boost of power surges through him and he looks at his horse instead - but it wasn't his. This hooved soldier was a rich brown and had a healthy mane that he would approve of, it was Armin's - looking into those beady eyes as he whispered a soft promise.

 

_"We're bringing them home."_

* * *

The young blonde grins up - it was more of him baring his teeth, like a ferocious predator - at the naked goliath in front of him and bellows out a war cry.

 

His blades had broke long before but he always had a trick up his sleeve. With an adrenaline filled cackle, he jumped up, avoiding the large hand and ran up the cannibal's arm - it had taken a lot of practice and he wonders why he's not getting panic attacks, maybe it was because he was insane - pulling out his make shift spear.

 

He had spent his nights, finding the best stones that could be easily sharpened and tested it on the sleeping giants before. 

 

With a leap to avoid the other hand, he went for the nape and swung with all his might, slashing the pale flesh and leaving a big gash in his wake.

 

Blood splattered on his cheek but he was more focused on sticking the landing, it was quite a fall but the body beneath him broke most of it so all he had was one sore ass.

 

"That's an improvement." He had broken his leg the last time he did it. Luckily, the sun was setting and his horse always knew when to move even when he didn't send out a call. He really owed that horse his life.

 

Taking a quick look at his spear, he clicked his tongue in annoyance as he examined the bent wood, the rock was thankfully still sharp but the wood he used was broken, he really needed to find a way to get the wood from the giant trees.

 

With a sharp whistle that pierced through the air, the black horse galloped to the blonde and continued to run as the teen grabbed on to him and jumped on, silently looking around for more titans as you can never be too sure.

 

The dark coated stallion's sprint grew into a trot as they entered the cove, it was a place that the titans couldn't get too unless they were five meters and even then they barely went in here. He's still wondering how they track humans though but for now he's not going to risk baiting them into this place.

 

The blonde sighed in exhaustion as he mounted off his steed and unwrapped his kills from him, letting the stallion go off to graze on the grass. With a few stretches, he grabbed the soon to be cooked meat and hauled them to the fireplace.

 

As he cuts up the pieces, his mind wanders and he remembers the time where he hated how the deer tasted but he got used to it, he's not sure if it's messing with his health but it was better than star-

 

The dirty blonde looks up at the sky in surpise, blinking softly to see if he just imagined it before smiling giddily, "You're here."

* * *

 

Something was wrong.

 

The ravenette looks around the landscape, seeing titans walking around but they never did go near them and it makes him tense and his body pulse irritatingly.

 

The groups ride on in silence, only the thundering hooves could be heard and so far no one is being attacked yet. It left a bitter taste in his mouth but he moved on, determined to take back what was his.

 

Suddenly, he yanked on the reins and he looked around, his squad stopping out of concern and caution but they didn't know.

 

What really scared them?

 

Levi was grinning, staring into the forest of trees they were supposed to head in.

 

"Found you."


	7. Chapter II.3: Flesh and Bone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He bleeds but he doesn't need it.  
> The pain is there.  
> It will always be there.  
> He's torn and broken.  
> But he lives.  
> And that's not what matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a.k.a. how Armin grew stronger-  
> Yeah, sunshine boy had to suffer. a lot. sorry.
> 
> Here's more morbid snippets because this became a bit of a vent and I am dissociating again.
> 
> Don't mind me, I'm just getting rid of stress.

He is weak and he knows it. He could never survive out here.

 

Not with so many of them roaming the land.

 

They crush him till he feels blood and bile burn his throat and the darkness slowly consumes him.

 

It wasn't fast enough to take him away - it never is, **they've** always loved seeing him suffer - because he still remembers his demented screams at the feeling of being torn into pieces.

 

But he doesn't stop breathing.

 

He bleeds and his blood is soaked into the soil and his mind is hazy, not sure if he had stopped screaming.

 

He falls to the ground with a thud as the dark takes him away but he doesn't sob in relief.

 

It is not over.  _It never will be._

 

 

He sees the light and braces his self as he walks through, knowing what comes next but he knows he'll never be prepared.

 

Pain envelops him as he feels his self mend back together as if he was some broken puppet - in a way, he really was - and he knows he's crying because his throat is choking but it doesn't stop the bile nor the blood to rush out and he wishes for it to hurry up.

 

They avoid him because they know he shouldn't be alive but they'll come back.

 

Hunger never cared if the flesh was dead.

 

He stands even though he doesn't want to - he has no choice - even sit up.

 

The pain never leaves.

 

It'll always be there but he'll get used to it.

 

He always did. They just speed up the process.

 

That didn't mean he's not going to try and survive.

 

 _He's_ waiting for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone willing to guess what the hell's happening here?


	8. Chapter I.3: The Wrath Of War Will Never End.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death is inevitable.  
> Humans have always been the top of the food chain.  
> Armin knows this.  
> Levi knows this.  
> They know n o t h i n g.  
> -  
> Rage was his fire.  
> It kept him warm even when his tears were cold.  
> He doesn't know what happened.  
> His fire is burning him but he's not screaming.  
> -  
> The world. Is cruel.  
> But so was she.  
> She'll bring him back.  
> She knows it.  
> It had always been that way.  
> Levi knew that too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's more dialogue than action but hey you get to see Levi/Eren/Mikasa/???'s thoughts.

The dirty blonde could only laugh with glee as his dark blue eyes - that was once so _bright_ and _filled_ with life but he remembers and all he knows now is **death** \- looked over the horizon.

 

They're getting closer.

 

The grin creeps up his face as he glanced to his equine friend, the black stallion's ears were up and alert and was quietly begging for him to come because  _they are here, we're going home, he is here and they want us **back.**_

 

He stops him before he could take off because he knows that chaos will rain before they could go back, he always knew this would happen - it was always in his mind - and now is not the time to be reckless.

 

He'll let hell rain fire before coming to lead the bodies to the beacon.

* * *

 

They've been changing formations for some time now. Levi doesn't like it. Not one bit.

 

He knows there will be ones that'll die. One way or another.

 

He disobeys the commander's orders, taking down as many titans that were near with only using a bit of gas. He stops when he feels his chest lighten but he ignores the soldiers who had the audacity to scold him of all people. 

 

His dead eyes clash with Erwin's and he doesn't know if he's getting the message across but he tries anyway.

 

_'Death is inevitable, Eyebrows. It has always been this way. The cycle never ends. **They'll** never let it end.'_

 

His horse is going strong, faster than the others, always in the lead and he wonders why Armin never used that to his advantage.

 

_"There's no winning any race in death, slow down."_

 

His sweet voice tickles his ears and how he missed that voice.

 

He slows down to match the pace of his squad and he barely registers that they were also telling him to not stray any further from the formation.

 

It makes him scoff and sneer at the nameless faces, - don't get close don't **get close you already did what a mistake you should have never done it too late** - he was the superior. They should listen to him.

 

With that thought, he almost lets go of his reins. He catches his self before he could fall off his high horse and he looks away to hide the broken smile that scarred itself onto his face.

 

He's losing his self. _He's_ not here to calm him down.

 

It makes him want to vomit. His chest hurts  **so much make it _stop make it stop stop stop breathing go and die but I can't die I will never die ! Պᾰ δαtϵh ῖstlfϵ_**

 

_"I died didn't I?"_

 

_"Yeah. You did."_

 

The static stops overtaking his head and he continues to ride as if there was nothing wrong  **but it is _everything is he's gone he left didn't he_**

 

_"Why am I still alive?"_

 

Why was _he_ still alive? There was reason, right? He can't remember why can't he

 

 _"I didn't want to._ _"_

 

He remembers and he's glad he doesn't have to forget again. 

 

_"What?"_

 

_" **I** didn't want to be left alone. Not again, please stay."_

 

_"Thats silly. **I've** always been with **you** , haven't **I**?"_

 

He is. Even right now and the many days before. He'll never be alone.

 

Never again.

 

"Captain Levi! We'll be entering the forest soon!" A soldier calls out but he doesn't look back, he nods to show he had heard but he continues to look into the trees and he blinks. Was that...?

 

"Captain?" And he's back into reality, down at the earth with the sounds of hooves beating into it and he sighs.

 

His chest hurts again but he knows it won't go away anytime soon.

 

"We go with the plan. We're here to take back Maria." Once that's over he's coming back with  _him_ , nothing will change that.

* * *

It burns. All he sees is fire. Green. Why does it hurt? It never hurt before.

 

Back then, things were fine. His anger was what kept him warm and fueled him through the cold times. It kept his loved ones safe in this cold world. They didn't have to worry about dying in frostbite, they'll have to put out his flame first.

 

Then, he lost one. His flame couldn't burn anything down. There was  **no one to blame** \- of course there was but they didn't  _let him scorch them_ \- and his fire turned into embers.

 

He was strong. He was weak. He had always been weak so he used his anger to keep going.

 

He missed him. Everyone did, but those blue eyes - that he swears were like the ocean itself and he wonders maybe that's why he wants to see it - and soft smile were in his heart first.

 

He knows the captain has a soft spot for the dandelion. Everyone knows, everyone has. But he doesn't care, this plan born out of frustration and stress from the elder soldiers had so many errors, so much  _death._ _We need him **back can't you see?**_

 

**They can't.**

 

**Only three.**

* * *

The clouds look so peaceful up there. It makes her want to scream and laugh or do anything but she doesn't and continues to ride on in silence.

 

The ground is so green and filled with life and she looks away, that is false nothing is filled with life when there's so much  _death and destruction so **why are we here? why are they here? do you like to see us suffer?**_

 

The thoughts halt as she grips her scarf. The voices have been getting louder ever since her- no,  _their_ rock was thrown away.

 

She doesn't know who _they_ are but she knows someone who does.

 

He always knows, maybe already knew. If he doesn't he'll figure it out.

 

**Nobody knows how much of a catalyst you really are.**

 

**Only _two._**

* * *

 

The pieces are falling into place. Good, just how it should be. **They** won't know what's happening until it's over.

 

 _They_ can't wait for the paths paved by destiny to be walked on. It was amusing though.

 

No matter which one they pick there will always be blood soaking the concrete.

 

Oh well, it is what you'll always expect when humans are roaming the land.

 

 _They_  hope they're okay. It'll be done in time but you can never be too sure in what happens here, hopefully they decide to stop fooling around.

Otherwise...

 

 

 

**This War will never end.**

 

**Only one.**

* * *

 

He is not that one.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bloopers:
> 
> that is false nothing is filled with life when there's so much death and destruction so why are we still here? just to suffer?  
> -  
> It burns. aND I SEE FIRE.  
> -  
> He looks out into the horizon. breaths in. and jumps. he dies again but he wakes up screaming. he's always been like that now. everything hurts. fuck, maybe he shouldn't have jumped off the tree.


	9. Chapter II.4: Time Is Meaningless To Us.

_"Who are you?"_

 

**" Who am I?"**

 

_"I'm nothing."_

 

**"I'm everyone."**

  
_"I'm dead."_

 

**"I'm alive."**

 

**_"I'm trying to survive."_ **

 

_"We'll always reach the end in time."_

 

**"I don't want it to end."**

  
_"Then you want to suffer?"_

  
_**"Yes. No. Please. Stop.** **Don't. Stop."**_

  
**"Have I met you before?"**

 

_"You have but I didn't."_

  
**"That is true."**

 

_"Why?"_

  
**"That's easy."**

 

**"You're dead.**

  
**I'm alive.**

  
**You're alive.**

  
**I'm dead.**

  
**You are the past.**

  
**I'm the back up plan."**

 

_"It has always been this way."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should really start posting these chapters holy shit there's already like..five?? so many spelling mistakes i should get to editing so i can post these beasts gosh--


End file.
